Humor
Ask the Expert
by Wilson Penn

This unpublished "extra" is available exclusively online. All ideas expressed via RACQUETBALL Online [www.racqmag.com] are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official position of the USRA.

Mike, this is a great question, both subtle and poignant. String theory, as we all know, is an offshoot of quantum mechanics and proposes that the smallest manifestations of matter are not atoms, quarks, or servings at an expensive restaurant, but minute vibrating strings that exist in 10 or 11 dimensions … similar to the buzzing strings of an undampened racquet. Vibration frequencies and energies determine whether the string is a proton, boson, neuteron, etc. No vibration would indicate a broken string. String "particles" may combine to form other elementary particles, except, of course, the neuteron, which cannot reproduce.

Super-symmetry implies that for each "spinning particle", there is a partner particle with differing spin. The sum of several spin-particles is equal to a "Marty-particle" for you still avid Mousekateers. This implies that for every racquetball that may be spinning with the path of the ball, there are other balls spinning against the path of the ball. Contrary spin is know as "Z-particle spin" and results in a Z-serve or Z-shot. Failure to successfully return a ball traveling in a Z-path is called a "Z-hit". In our club, one frequently hears players who have miss-hit a shot screaming "Zhit". Normally spinning balls consist of molecules, while Z-balls usually consist of protons. There are no balls associated with the neuteron.

In the quantum foam of space, some string "particles" zing in and out of existence, appearing for times as short as the life of a typical racquetball. Ball manufacturers have standing orders into international particle accelerators, such as Fermilab, for really short-lived string particles, which they mix with special glop to produce ink for the labels on racquetballs.

Mike, we now address the salient portion of your question, "How can string theory, et al., be applied to improve one's racquetball game?" When physicists stop laughing hysterically at receiving large salaries for inventing concepts such as Plank length strings, they pretend that their theories may be relevant to our 4-dimension realm. Apparently, they are close to creating a multi-dimensional string for racquets. Players who install such strings will be able to strike heretofore-unhittable shots, perhaps launching the ball into a dimension where there are no skips and beer is free. They ponder the minor problem that might result from accidentally striking one's opponent with a racquet strung with multi-dimensional strings. Thousands of physicists spend lots of time thinking about this stuff and few play decent racquetball. I would forget string theory and urge your students to drill, eat right, and exercise. I recommend spin class.

Ernie, racquets no longer have plethoras. They passed with wooden racquets. Modern racquets have grommets as did my rarely showered college roommate. Dampers seemed to work fine when my kids needed them. Very rarely was there any leakage around the legs, the adhesive tabs were extremely sticky, and they held a LOT of…, well, what they were supposed to hold. String tense is normally past perfect, as in "I woulda got a string on that serve had I a seen it."

A more difficult question might be, " Do we chose our RB footwear first and then purchase a racquet and clothing to match or buy the racquet first?" And how about the wrist and head bands? Top players, Ernie, determine which piece of racquetball equipment or accessory is likely to last the longest and match everything else to that item. For example, I have a bulls-eye bruise on the back of my right leg that resulted, yesterday, from being hit by what would have been a forehand splat had the ball made it to the front wall. Based on the pain, the epidermal indentation, and current coloring, I intend to buy my next pair of shoes and racquet in shades of black, yellow, blue, and green. As soon as I can walk again, I will go shopping.

Then, there is the color of racquet rim tape to choose. A guy at the Noblesville Athletic Club uses about 15 feet of duct tape preparing for daily play. He uses the tape as a string damper and to protect his racquet rim. He duct tapes his shoes closed and tapes protective eyewear to his head. He uses duct tape for an elbow brace, a patch of tape on his forehead for a sweatband, a strip around each knee for support, and another strip to hold his socks up. He likes to be known as the "Silver Bullet". Fellow players call him "tapeworm" and try not to play with him. Have you smelled freshly peeled duct tape?

Ernie, racquet selection has minimal impact on anyone's game. One ex-pro player said, partially in jest, that he could beat most players in the U.S. with a milk bottle as a racquet. I had a 5th grade teacher that beat anyone caught talking with her chalkboard eraser. The pain was bearable, but the chalk dust was impossible to remove from one's hair and clothing, marking one for further beatings by one's parents. My parents used a milk bottle.

Next time, "How to Keep a Racquetball Glove Soft: Intensive Care vs. Wesson"

Dr., first you need to understand that all racquetball paraphernalia, indeed all sporting equipment, is made in Asian sweatshops from identical cloth, metal, and leather that has been processed identically in other sweatshops, but colored differently. The polychromes allow the marketing units of competing suppliers to "differentiate" their excellent stuff from competitors' schlock. Ektelon claims that its articles are made before lunch, therefore superior to the stuff the sweatshop employees produce after lunch for Wilson. This statement panders to assumptions about sloppy work performed after lunches consisting of mostly beer.

But, an Asian sweatshop employee eats only if and when an insect strays under the needle of her sewing machine. Employees never leave their stations, working from 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., hovering over a waste trough. Waste is not a normally big problem, given their meager diets, but there is an occasional outbreak of dysentery induced by polluted drinking water. Of course, food and water become plentiful during the three months of the insect season, which coincides with the rainy season. So, their existence is not all bleak.

RB shorts are made of a blend of polyester and triathlon, as are high style anklet socks. Remember when we players wore knee high socks and short pants? I squirm when I think of how cool we thought we looked in that outfit. Gloves are produced from parts of animals unsuitable for food-like products such as Slim Jerkys … suggesting the question, "How can there be racquetball gloves?" Perhaps you have noticed that racquets no longer use cat-gut for strings. Marketers created the SJ, using the small diameter feline body part to house the sawdust rejected as unfit for high fiber breads and cereals or particleboard. Plus spices.

Dr., most of your serves are short, so the probable answer to that question is, "Yes." Borrowing equipment rather than owning is always a good idea. In fact, the concept could expand with only one player on the court needing a racquet. She serves and you politely inquire, "May I borrow your racquet?" Then, you return her serve and, immediately, her racquet.

This issue's brainteaser is to think of as many ways as possible to compliment an opponent's play. These examples may prime your creative pump: That's money! Well struck! I wish I could do that on purpose once in my life. Oh!…timely shot! The earth moved on that one! Oh, that is good! Oh yes! Oh my goodness, keep that up! Yes, yes, yes, arrgghh! Mind if I smoke?

This question from Reg Pincquit: "Some of my opponents talk about working on their mental game. What is a mental game and should I try to develop one?"

Answer: Reg, having a mental game, in life and sport, is very important. For some players, the mental game is their only game. I have had some great mental dates, for example … well, never mind. Having a mental game means not being distracted from your basic strategy, not allowing your opponent to force you out of your game, and remaining confident that, using your game, you will prevail. It also means remembering to check before you strip off your warm-ups that you put on your shorts. "Focus" is the mantra.

Focus means maintaining composure. One needs composure during competition so that one may intelligently and without panic adjust one's strategy whilst play develops. Beethoven and Mozart, for example, were great composers and both were undefeated at racquetball (known at that time as "piano forte"; doubles as the "string quartet".)

A critical part of the mental game is knowing your opponent. Talk to him, get his address, name of his wife and kids, where he went to school, and his favorite food. When he is not paying close attention, ask if his game has any weak points. Then, during play, exploit those weaknesses, insult his school, family, and make fun of his food choices. Racquetball is a no-nonsense game. Play to win and do not be distracted by the hot number over there in the halter top with blond hair and painted on pants who just might be giving you the eye. If you have a good mental game, of course, you and she are way beyond just staring at each other by now. At least in your head, you are. 

How to prepare, mentally, for your next match. Rehearse what you will say to her when she opens the door. Something like, "Wow you look great; most of my dates do not bother to shower before I pick them up." Be sure (focus) that you are not talking to her roommate or dog. As far as your next racquetball match goes, here are some techniques that I employed during pre-match mental honing.

Using headphones, listen to loud, upbeat, victory inspiring music. Johnny Mathis is not appropriate for racquetball, but may help with your next mental romance.

Picture your drive serve, cross-court pass, and splat shot, viewing your mental self and seeing perfect mechanics and results. Picture yourself smoothly chatting up that blonde and reaching for her perfect …. Hey! Focus.

There are many other very important aspects of the mental game, but I have to get ready for my mental date. Let's see … "Hi, I am here for Debbie, not to walk her dog." Splat.

This question comes from Art Vandelay ... 
"Mr. Penn, where did racquetball come from, anyway?"

Answer: Art, there are a number of apocryphal histories of racquetball, but the most likely origin may be found in the Incan game "Tolyoxpetal". Only men from the highest caste of Incan society (The Ektelons) played the game. Two players clad in only skirts and eyeguards played in an adobe-walled area called a Cortez ("court" in today's game). The players attempted to hit each other with a hard spheroid, typically made from the shrunken head of a Spanish conquistador tightly stuffed with straw, grass, or similar material (the probable origin of "Head" trademarking). 

A player would strike this "ball" with a wooden paddle, aiming at his opponent. If he hit the other player, play stopped and the ball reverted to the struck player who -- if not unconscious or writhing in agony -- would then take a turn at attempting to hit the first player. If a player missed his opponent, the ball would usually rebound from a wall and be in free play for the targeted player to re-aim at his opponent. Scores were recorded by counting ball impact bruises (in Incan, "Los Blemishes") on each player's body. The first player with 15 blemishes lost. A player who inflicted a blemish right on top of a previous blemish was said to have achieved a "roll out", because the opponent would normally roll out and around in pain from the dual impact. We will not discuss the origin of the "crack" shot.

Spanish conquistadors, after defeating the Incans, made some changes to the game. They quickly adjusted the source of raw material (heads) used in making balls, for example. The Incans had always used wood for paddles (and for swords - contributing mightily to their defeat at the hands of the more durably armed conquistadors). The Spanish began to use metal. Later, finding the iron paddle too heavy, Spanish blacksmiths made a frame from iron and strung horsehair across the frame. This upgrade not only achieved its purpose, reducing weight, but also inadvertently allowed more energy to be imparted to the ball. 

A faster ball made score keeping easier, "los blemishes" becoming more pronounced (impact = mass x velocity). Frequent players found it difficult to differentiate blemishes incurred in the current game from those incurred in a previous game, so a method of blotting out prior scores was needed. Thus, a skin-toned powder material (Maybelinos) was used to cover up old blemishes before the next game. Amongst commoners, it became fashionable to emulate players, (the game was still restricted to members of the higher echelons of society), so many common folk began applying Maybelinos to their bodies to cover imaginary and real blemishes.

Thus were both the sport of racquetball -- and the makeup industry -- born. I hope this answers your question, Art.

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